Recently I've been doing some profound work with my life coach, using Internal Family Systems (IFS) "parts work" by Richard Schwartz along with EMDR. Most of us have different aspects within ourselves, but this doesn't mean we have multiple identities; it simply means we are human. By engaging with these inner parts, we can uncover the most beautiful and often hidden or suppressed elements of our true selves. When these parts are acknowledged and embraced, we gain a newfound ability to shine, connect, and relate more deeply with ourselves, others, and the world around us. This work has been shaking me, how I view myself and the world around me, to the core and turned my perception of my life on its head! Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Well, let's say the journey hasn't been easy but the gold that is alchemized is invaluable.
Parts work is a form of therapy that focuses on resolving the differences and conflicts between various inner parts, often responsible for creating emotional gridlock and hindering our healing or growth process.
It is about giving a voice to all the parts of oneself and allowing them to be seen heard and understood from a place of love, curiosity and understanding. Nurturing and reassuring them that that they are all here to serve some perceived purpose. For instance, I have always known that I possessed people pleaser traits and yet, as I dive deeper into this work, I'm see just how deep this rabbit hole goes. As I peeled back the layers, thoughts that would come up were "if I don't put other people's needs and feelings before mine, that makes me unkind or even selfish." Then the story line continues... "If I'm unkind or selfish does that mean everything I have stood for and valued all of these years was a facade? The answer is no, however, the motive behind putting other people's' needs before mine did originate as a coping mechanism sometime back in early childhood. I have also identified as empathetic, which I also learned was a trauma response!
In this work, over the last 10 years, I have gotten to know the consistent parts of myself that would show up every time we would do our IFS work. As I closed my eyes during my last session and welcomed all parts of myself to come to the long, wooden farm table in the middle of a grassy field, like I would always envision, there were the usual four that always showed up. There was my child self, teenage/twenty something self, hopeless romantic/optimist who sees all things through the lens of love and light and the, all business, type A, we have to protect ourselves at all costs, analytical personality. This time, as I began doing my work, my coach realized that I would speak as my highest self and then there was also a new voice at the table. We began to zoom out and allow her to come into vision. As we uncovered the motives of this new self, its main objective was to create calm, peace and ease in my life. That sounds beautiful but the only problem with this, is when parts of ourselves are formed out of protection, they will be willing to compromise and deny other parts of our authentic self to achieve its objective. This is when I was reminded that our authentic self has no motives. Our authentic self shines when we are in a state of creativity, passion, flow, and surrender. I instantly got chills when I realized and said out loud, "what is this version of me willing to sacrifice of my true authentic nature just to uphold the ease, peace and calm with the people and situations in my life?"
At that moment, I realized just how strong of a grip my empathetic, people pleaser was in me. I had worked so many years to move beyond that in so many aspects of my life and yet now, here I am, at 43, so ready to create that persona all over again! Here I am faced with the opportunity to once again, walk through the discomfort of vulnerability as I challenge who I believe myself to be based on the interactions with those around me. After everything I have learned these last three years, after all the growth I've experienced in the last 20 years, this people pleaser is still right there, ready to play it's roll - ready to ease my discomfort.
I find asking for what I need and speaking up about how I feel one of the scariest sensations I still feel in my body to this day. What I am learning about myself, as I have grown, is that I have become so connected to my inner knowing and higher power that even when every cell is screaming out of fear, I have coached myself into such strong self-love that it's impossible for me, no matter how uncomfortable, to not speak my truth now. Every time I do, I feel myself ground and expand into my authentic being just a little deeper.
One of the battles I'm noticing in this shifting work is that as I allow layers and veils of myself to gently fall to the floor, I am noticing fear surface and a bit of resistance. as I hear this scared voice say, "If this is not how I or others perceive me, then who am I?" This kind of work can change our whole perspective of who we see ourselves as, in this lifetime. This is where the divine essence come into play. I will speak more to this in my next blog.
“You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.”
~ Eckhart Tolle
Another perfect example of this is often found beneath empathy. As beautiful of a quality as it is, it can often develop as a trauma response from uncertain or challenging childhood experiences, often as a survival mechanism. In an unpredictable environment—where a child might experience emotional neglect, inconsistent care, or even abuse—they may become highly attuned to the emotions and needs of others as a way to protect themselves. This heightened sensitivity allows the child to anticipate and respond to the moods or behaviors of those around them, especially caregivers, to avoid conflict or harm.
For example, if a child grows up in a household where a parent’s mood swings unpredictably, the child may learn to be hyper-aware of subtle emotional cues. This sensitivity, while a necessary coping strategy during childhood, can lead to an increased capacity for empathy later in life. The child, now an adult, might be exceptionally skilled at reading others’ emotions and needs, often prioritizing them over their own. This tends to be a lovely trait to see in others and they often become great listeners, caretakers, healers, and coaches.
However, this trauma-driven empathy can come with challenges, such as difficulty setting boundaries, a tendency to overextend oneself emotionally, or feeling responsible for others' emotions. While empathy is a valuable trait, when it develops as a trauma response, it may lead to a pattern of self-neglect or codependency. Understanding this origin allows us to balance empathy with self-care and healthier relational dynamics.
When we learn to hold space for and love all parts of ourselves, especially the ones we once deemed undesirable, without judgement and criticism, we are able to become our own support system as opposed to seeking comfort from outside of ourselves. When we realize and thank each of these parts for getting us where we are today, we can from a more neutral, authentic place, decide what traits now serve us as an adult and what ones we are ready to release and let go of. From this place of self-love and acceptance, we can genuinely see ourselves as the divine essence we came into these bodies as. Then, when we choose to welcome people into our lives, it can be as source of joy, abundance, and passion, not to fill a void and hold healthy boundaries around all that does not serve us.
May you know, see, and love all the beautiful parts of you. Everything is unfolding perfectly, exactly how it should be.
All the love,
Pamela
Comments