Boundaries are not about controlling the actions of others, they are about connecting with your authentic self, listening to your needs, and honoring how you can and will show up for individuals in your life. Boundaries and self-care go hand in hand. It's crucial to be aware of your well-being and safeguard it, ensuring that you can be fully engaged and attentive in your relationships. Adhering to your individualized personal boundaries empower you to establish the necessary room for self-care. Failing to do so might result in prioritizing others' needs over your own.
We all have people in our lives that in one way or another, push us to show up as less than our best selves. Sometimes no matter how hard we try to remain calm, kind, or grounded, somehow, we walk away more disappointed in ourselves than anything.
“Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious and you get to decide how you use them. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.”
~ Anna Taylor
I used to be one of those people that believed that if I tried hard enough, I could "help" people and get them to see that there is a "better" way. What I have grown to understand is that everyone has the right and free will to show up however they see fit. My so called "helping", often caused more damage to them and me and that my presumed "better" way was simply, just one perspective and I had no right imposing my beliefs or opinions on how another should show up or behave. Welcoming the truth that we are all here on our own journeys desiring to fulfill our souls' purpose and not only do most of us spend so much of our energy trying to figure out what that is for ourselves, we have no place trying to figure out and dictate what that looks like for another.
With all that being said, there are some people we will come across that for various reasons, are not healthy for us to be around or engage with. When these people are in some way, an unavoidable figure in our lives, this is where healthy boundaries come into place. While we have no control over how others show up for us, how we allow ourselves to show up around these people and to what degree we allow them to engage with us is 100% in our control! This realization can be a liberating shift!
So how do we know when it is time to set a healthy boundary with someone in our lives? A great first step is always my first step in any decision making.
Check in with yourself. Take a moment to sit in silence and connect to the sensations in your body. Begin to quiet the stories you are telling yourself around this situation and connect to your core values and what makes you feel safe. A helpful method for this is the boundary circle. Draw a circle on a page of paper. Inside it, write down everything you need to feel seen, supported, heard, and safe. Anything that actively conflicts or distracts from that, write outside the circle. Next, ask yourself these questions.
Do I feel seen, heard, understood, and safe?
What do I need to feel seen, heard, understood, and safe?
Has this person ever made me feel seen, heard, understood, and? If so, what were the circumstances, and do they have the capacity to offer this to me again?
Are there continuous patterns of behavior that make me feel unsafe or unhealthy?
If yes, it may be time to consider some personal boundary setting.
So how do we go about setting boundaries?
Self-awareness: Understand your needs, values, and limits to define what boundaries are important to you. Allow yourself to make your safety and comfort a priority. When we don't care for ourselves, it can be damaging to our relationship, trust and love with ourselves.
Clear communications: Clearly express how you are feeling and your boundaries to others, using "I" statements to convey your feelings and needs.
Consistency: Maintain consistency in enforcing your boundaries to establish a sense of reliability. This is also an important step to build trust and security within yourself by keeping promises you make to yourself. We can't expect others to uphold our boundaries, that is our responsibility to ourselves.
Learn to say no: Don't be afraid to decline requests or commitments that may compromise your well-being or values. If establishing boundaries feels uneasy or induces anxiety, begin with small steps. You absolutely have the right to say no without carrying guilt, but like any skill, it requires practice! Initiate by setting a modest boundary in a context that feels less overwhelming, then gradually progress. If it eases your discomfort, consider providing an alternative when communicating your boundary.
Prioritize self-care: Make self-care a priority and ensure your boundaries support your physical and emotional well-being.
Be assertive, not aggressive: assertiveness helps you communicate your needs without being confrontational or disrespectful.
Seek support: Share your boundary-setting journey with trusted friends, family or professionals for guidance and encouragement.
Reflect and reassess: Regularly reflect on your boundaries and assess whether they align with your current needs and goals. Remember that boundaries can shift and change as you grow; allow this to happen and hold space to recognize and sit in these feelings. Be open to re evaluating and adjusting your boundaries based on changes in your life or relationships.
And remember to respect others' boundaries. Just as you set boundaries, respect the boundaries of others to foster healthier relationships.
Setting and then upholding and respecting our own personal boundaries is the most important piece. You may or may not want to share these boundaries with the individuals, but you certainly don't have to make it a conversation unless you feel it is important for you to move forward. What is important is that once you make these boundaries and set your standard to how you deserve to be treated, you hold yourself accountable and speak your truth when lines get crossed. Clear communication in these moments when they happen with the individual, can be helpful. Making and keeping promises to ourselves is an incredibly supportive and nurturing way to build trust and a healthy self-love practice. We cannot expect others to honor our boundaries if we are not willing to honor them ourselves. Chances are that if we needed to put boundaries up in the first place, this is someone we cannot trust to respect our needs without accountability.
We must first love care for and treat ourselves with the kindness and nurturing behavior we wish others would treat us with and then, in turn treat others the same way. May you go forth today in love and holding strong space for yourself and your individual needs.
All the Love,
Pamela
Comments