Navigating Relationships: Attachment Styles

How we show up in a relationship of any kind, has so much to do with the phase, segment, or chapter we are in in our lives at any given moment. Often, we are not this way or that way, we are more, the reflection of the experiences we have had along the way. The lessons we have learned (or not learned) and the actions we then take to make up our character. With each relationship we share, no matter how long or short, they mold our identity and how we see and relate to the world around us. We are constantly taking in new information that can alter or curve our beliefs and patterns of thinking.

Recently I began an intensive 7-week course with daily lessons that, in the first 3 chapters, took me though a deep dive of exploring my patterns, negative core beliefs, and attachment style. What I learned in these challenging exercises is that so much of my belief systems and ways of showing up, were just reactive patterns to old fears, wounds and protective walls that had gotten formed as early as I can remember, one daunting memory being just 5 years old! I have done a lot of inner child work and shadow self-healing in the past. In this most recent act of vulnerability, I so clearly and was able to connect the dots of my thoughts, feelings and actions and how they formed my way of being. I even found that some of them, I had fooled myself into believing that they were helpful, empowering and was proud of them! I had never even considered how the persona of being a "strong, independent woman" was formed out of the deep fear that I could only rely on myself and that it wasn't safe to trust and believe in others because they will inevitably let you down, or that I couldn't bear the thought of being stuck in a relationship that no longer served me because I couldn't support myself or survive without them. I can now see how my attachment style was behind this and have begun to let go of the armor I have worn for so long and allow vulnerability to be my new superpower. I do still see myself as such, and yet now, it is no longer from a place of protection, but from a softer place of self-love and appreciation for all I have been through and the skills those challenges helped me develop. Gratitude is now at the seat of all my battle scars.

“Remember, an activated attachment system is not passionate love. Next time you date someone and find yourself feeling anxious, insecure, and obsessive – only to feel elated every once in a while – tell yourself this is most likely an activated attachment system and not love! True love, in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind.”

~ Amir Levine

How we internalize experiences as a child is so different than how we process as an adult. The concept called attachment theory can give some great insights. It's like a blueprint for how you connect with others, whether it's your friends, co-workers, family or significant other. Understanding how these patterns show up in your relationship with yourself and the people you share your life with, can be a game-changer. It's the key to personal growth, forming real connections, and building intimate, supportive relationships. Here I broke down a snapshot of the 4 attachment styles.

Attachment Styles

Secure (Autonomous):

• Easy connection: Adults often find it effortless to form close bonds with others, leading to low anxiety in relationships.

• Emotional resilience: They have the ability to tolerate their emotions and communicate effectively with others.

• Stability and trust: Adults typically enjoy stable and trusting relationships, allowing them to be vulnerable and feel secure.

• Comfortable independence: They can balance connectedness with partners while maintaining a sense of comfort with independence.

Avoidant (Dismissive):

• Emotional distance: Adults often feel discomfort being close to others, leading them to emotionally distance themselves in relationships and stressful situations.

• Trust challenges: Building trust can be challenging for adults, as they may prioritize independence over intimacy, resulting in a tendency to pull away from closeness.

• Conflict avoidance: Adults are likely to avoid conflict, preferring to sidestep difficult conversations or disagreements in relationships.

Anxious (Preoccupied):

• Relationship anxiety: Adults often experience heightened anxiety in their relationships, seeking safety and security in others and becoming fearful when closeness is lacking.

• Distrust and dependence: They may exhibit traits of distrust, sensitivity, and dependence, requiring frequent reassurance to feel secure.

• Behaviors stemming from fear: Fears may lead to demanding or possessive behaviors, inadvertently pushing partners further away in the process.

Disorganized (Unresolved):

• Ambivalence in relationships: Adults often experience fear of either being too close or too distant from others, resulting in confusing and inconsistent relationships characterized by ups and downs.

• Unresolved emotions: They may grapple with unresolved emotions, contributing to the challenges of maintaining stable and balanced connections.

• Emotional regulation struggles: Adults often find it challenging to regulate their emotions, further impacting the stability of their relationships.

Beginning the process of unearthing all the dirt our subconscious worked so hard to burry, is such a daunting endeavor, and yet one of the most liberating and rewarding journeys we could take. Our hands will likely get dirty, but we need to pull the weeds out, so the seeds of love have room to grow and flourish. Knowing how we are and why we have come to the opinions we have in life, can be the first step in taking our power back. Finding the faith and strength to know that there are better options and then choosing differently, opens us up endless possibilities. When we know and honor ourselves better, we can gracefully hold space for, and allow the light and love that has been waiting for us, in with open arms and heart.

-What if the next time we felt fear or an impulse to react to someone we are in a relationship with, we took a moment to pause, take a deep breath and tried to understand where that fear or impulse came from? Was it our wounded, shadow self we have abandoned?

-What if when we felt fear or anxiety creep up and try to sabotage a relationship or situation, we thanked it for showing us where we need to grow and allowed the softness and grace of vulnerability to guide our next choice of word or action.

-What if the moment something seems or feels so upsetting, disruptive, unbearable, we realized that our thoughts and feelings are just one perspective formed from our unique experiences and that it is just as possible to have a completely different outlook on the same subject, topic, or situation? It all comes down to choice. Even when we feel so validated in our opinion, we always have the freedom to choose different.

Remember, we are the creators of the life we live. A pattern is nothing more than that, something we have repeated over and over. So, by simply disrupting a pattern and choosing differently, we have the power to completely transform our lives! All it takes is one pause, one breathe, one moment to think differently. Allow a different emotion to surface and then choose a different action, to begin living a more authentic version of yourself.

I have faith that each and every one of us are on our path to unveiling our most authentic self, and each day we are gifted with the opportunity to move closer to or further away from the rich and fulfilling life that is waiting for us. It all begins with a choice. What do you choose today?

My wish for you today is to enjoy your own personal experience of a higher octave of love, intimacy, and vulnerability.

All the love,

Pamela

Faith vs. Hope

With the New year upon us, I can't help but fall into the cliché pattern of craving and imagining new beginnings and a fresh start. I don't often make New Year resolutions because I feel like they carry an energy of negative pressure and inevitable letdown, behind them. I prefer to wait until after the first week when the dust settles to set clear and specific goals with an Intention Statement for the year to come! As you may or may not know, intention setting is a huge part of my wellness lifestyle as well as coaching style. Intentions are what keep us focused on the "why" behind the goals we set and when we write them down in a particular format and read them aloud each day, they bring focused attention in a way that keeps us deeply connected and on track. I often like to have multiple Intention Statements. One for the overall year, one for my life's purpose and passion, one for a specific timeline or even as often as each morning to set the tone for how I will move throughout my day. What I love about the power of an Intention Statement is that once I do the work of sorting through my motives, values, dreams, goals, passions and connect to a purpose, I then am liberated to release the how and when it will manifest into my state of being. That is where faith takes over.

Faith: complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

Hope: a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

In an incredibly moving speech, Jim Carrey made, he said, "Take a chance on faith, not religion, but faith. Not hope, but faith. I don't believe in hope; hope is a beggar. Hope walks through the fire, and faith leaps over it.”

Something about that struck me and every time I hear it, touches a deep truth within me.

Those two words have such similar meanings but if you are like me, the way a word feels and sits vibrationally, can make a huge difference. Whenever I have the awareness, I enjoy playing with and choosing higher vibration words.

“Words and magic were in the beginning one and the same thing, and even today words retain much of their magical power.”

~ Sigmund Freud

Using high-speed photography, Dr. Masaru Emoto discovered that crystals formed in frozen water reveal changes when specific, concentrated thoughts are directed toward them. He found that water from clear springs and water that has been exposed to loving words, formed beautiful, symmetrical crystalline structures with brilliant, complex, and colorful snowflake patterns while water exposed to negative words and intentions formed disorganized, asymmetrical structures. Imagine what this means when our bodies are around 60% water!!! I truly believe that we all have the ability to change our lives with the power of thoughts, words and followed up with inspired actions.

From Jamal D. Simmons, Vibration of Words:

"Words are sounds that carry energy. All sounds have a natural power through their own frequency. When we speak, our words vibrate from low to high frequencies because they hold vibration. The weight, sound, and appearance of words have the power to affect us positively or negatively."

-What if the next time there was something we felt passionately about, we had faith that it was already ours and on its way to us, instead of hoping we could someday experience it?

-What if we understood that life is happening through us and not to us, so our perspective and the words we think and say, have the ability to allow rather than resist every desire we hold deep in our souls?

-What if we just had complete faith that everything is working out exactly how it is supposed to?

-How would the good times feel? Reaffirming, without the fear that it could all slip away in a moment?

-How would the tough times feel? A little easier to digest if we knew that, no matter how challenging any situation is, it is allowing us the opportunity to get to know a deeper layer of ourselves that we might not have been able to connect with, to become one moment closer to becoming our highest, most authentic self?

That would feel pretty good right? Or at least better.

Jesus replied, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move.

I invite you to choose one topic in your life where, at this very moment, that you "hope" will go the way you want and try writing down a proclamation statement from the energy and mindset of having "faith" that it already has worked out and the layers of the process are unfolding, unbeknownst to you, at this very instant. Read your statement out loud to yourself in the mirror, feel the deep emotion and gratitude as you embody it as truth, consistently for 7 days and witness yourself as you let the magic reveal itself.

Let's leap into 2024 with the Faith and Courage to move the self-imposed mountains that have been holding us back long enough, from the life we came here to live!!!

Happy Manifesting, and a Joyful 2024 filled with fulfillment, purpose and passion!!

All the Love,

Pamela

What Does Saying "I Love You" Really Mean?

I Love You. Such meaningful words that are said so often in so many different situations. I spent some time pondering this question recently, as someone who personally finds it easy to see and feel love in almost all my relationships that play an important role in my life. At my silent retreat, during an eye gazing exercise, I found love in the eyes of the 13 people I shared that intimate week with. That was when love became an experience of, and the confirmation that, we are all connected and of the same life source energy. Just as the Sanskrit word Namaste evokes, the Divine within me sees and bows to the Divine within you and recognizes that we are one in the same. I spent a few weeks asking the people in my life this very important and multifaceted question. What does saying "I love you", mean to you? For some, love is a promise of forever. For others, it can be felt quickly and is merely the acknowledgement of the feeling they are experiencing in the moment. Another believed that we only have one true love or soulmate in our lifetime and should reserve the word for only when we REALLY mean it. Others believe that we can love many different people in our lives in different ways and also, every time we say I love you it can have a different meaning, even to the same person. The short answer is that it genuinely means something different to each and every person. And furthermore, it can mean something different for the same person in each relationship as well as the chapter of their life! So, how do we know, in our romantic relationships, if we are on the same page as each other?

Jay Shetty, in his book, 8 Rules of Love, talks about the 4 phases of love. He explains that they can all look like love and feel like love and are all part of the journey of love. Knowing what phase we are in, when building a relationship can help with understanding and preparing us for the next chapter and ensure that we are looking at each situation with eyes and hearts wide open. Clear communication as to where each of us are, every step of the way can support a healthy journey and experience where everyone feels seen, understood, safe, and supported.

I summarized his 4 phases of love below:

1. Phase 1 -Attraction: The initial, and thrilling hint of a promise for more. Time helps you understand if what you are feeling is truly love. During this stage, we observe people for how they appear but don't know yet, what it is like to have and actual relationship with them. It is easy to want to stay in this phase because of the rush of hormones like dopamine, oxytocin, and norepinephrine feel intoxicating and we are all putting out "representative" or best self out there. Having deep meaningful conversations creates connection. Getting vulnerable and building trust is an important part of this phase. As we gradually unveil our values, personality, and goals, we can see if there is a connection. As we begin to reciprocate personal disclosure, we can begin to truly know each other and see if there is a future. In his book, Jay Shetty speaks of 3 dates (not necessarily sequential). He suggests you focus on 3 areas.

2. Phase 2 - Dreams: Sometimes our dreams can cloud our vision of the other person and our own personal needs. This is the phase where we try to dismantle false expectations and focus on building a strong relationship based on realistic expectations of the specific individual. We often have a conscious or subconscious list of needs and wants when entering the dating world. This list can hold us back or keep us in a perpetual state of searching. When we have multiple close relationships in our lives to support different needs, we can let go of the idea of finding one person to check all the boxes and better identify what roles we want and need our partner to play. In this phase it's important to talk about standard of living, family structure, likes and dislikes, financial situations, plans for the future and how to handle unexpected challenges. Sometimes when these aren't in alignment, it can be taken as a sign that the love isn't reciprocated or it isn't meant to be. How you handle your differences is more important than being completely on the same page when it comes to a lasting love. Creating rhythms and routines are great ways to support this next phase of the journey and create a gradual and steady growth and progression.

3. Phase 3 - Struggle and Growth: Smooth sailing can't last forever, and we are bound to hit choppy waters. This stage helps us understand how to move forward. For us to grow as individuals, together and connect on deeper levels, we need to make mistakes and work on doing better. This phase is important in defining love because we need to decide if the person is worth facing the issue at hand and working through the growing pains or if how these moments are approached is a deal breaker.

4. Phase 4 - Trust: Growth that is built together builds depth and trust. Building trust is a gradual process through thoughts, words, and actions. Giving pieces of ourselves day by day and observing what they do with our authenticity, vulnerability and honesty is what builds trust. We first need to be trustworthy by aligning what we think, say, and do. When we can trust ourselves, we can more clearly communicate to our partner and trust that we can ask for what we need and give it to ourselves as a form of self-care. We then also, show up for our partner in the same way. We trust people more when they make us feel safe and live their life based on values we agree with. Taking a moment to connect with the level of the physical, mental, and emotional trust of your partner can be a helpful way to look at the relationship. Trust not only needs to be built slowly, nurtured but then also sustained. When trust is high, we feel the freedom to feel deep, physical, and emotional safety and security.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ― Lao Tzu

Often, we turn to romantic relationships to satisfy unhealed parts of our shadow self or unfulfilled self-love. One of the first steps we can take before we even begin to entertain the idea of romantic love, is to get to know ourselves on a deep and intimate level so that we truly understand what we desire to feel, and then we can choose a partner out of want rather than what we think we need. When we learn what fills our love tank, the next great practice is to love ourselves the way we wish to feel loved. Once we learn to love ourselves authentically, it becomes so much easier to spot it when someone like that shows up in life.

On my personal journey of love, this has been, by far the most transformational practice. While I have been discovering self-love for over 20 years, the last 3 years, post-divorce have served as a catapult into a revolutionary phase of life. Most recently, over the last month, I have embarked on a rigorous, in-depth, 7-week course with my "spiritual running buddy" that has, propelled my personal growth expedition to a place I couldn't have predicted. When we learn to understand, have compassion for, and accept all the parts of ourselves and phases of our lives, then and only then, can we allow ourselves to truly be vulnerable and feel worthy of and accept love from another. We will only acknowledge the love we have been conditioned to believe we deserve, so until we adjust and raise our love identity, and self-worth thermostat, we can anticipate that the love that shows up in our lives will mirror that below par standard that is all too often, repeatedly embraced.

The beautiful truth that I have come to know love to be, is the life-giving energy that is our birthright. To love and be loved is a driving force that is innately within us. There is a bottomless well of love that is available to each of us and is meant to be shared! The more we tap into this feeling and embrace it, the deeper it can grow. I've spoken on this in other blogs, but I believe we should never hold back or withhold love, we can choose to alter how and with who we share our time space and energy with but allowing love to pour out of our hearts and into the world, every chance we get, can only make the world a better place.

Whether it means this moment, here, and now, or it means forever, say I love you as often as you can to those you care about and allow your heart to sing the song it was designed to sing. I wish you a brave, vulnerable heart that you allow to shine as it was intended.

All the love,

Pamela