Emotional Integration Tools

When embarking on a journey of healing, Emotional Integration Tools can serve as a supportive guide when we begin unveiling the roots of our emotions. When we understand the origins of our feelings, we have clarity that helps prevent our thoughts and perceptions from being skewed by emotions or past experiences. It's important to understand that this integration process doesn't promise an instantaneous perfect life, or that your emotions or past struggles will effortlessly become manageable. The path of emotional integration is ever evolving and continuous. It's also helpful to keep in mind that growth and transformation is never linear. Moments of strong momentum and progress might be followed by setbacks or resistance. When we can meet ourselves where we are with self-compassion and patience, we become a gentle guide on this self improvement journey. As we navigate life from a more conscious perspective, recognizing old patterns, if we allow for it, emotional integration can be an incredibly powerful tool, reshaping our relationship with emotions and fundamentally transforming our approach to life and the people we share it with.

As promised in my last blog on Emotional Intelligence, (Click here to read it if you missed it!) this week I'm going to share some tangible tools! The process of emotional integration involves navigating and understanding our emotions, aiming for a final step where we integrate these emotions into our interactions with ourselves and others. This integration requires identifying and accepting our emotions, discovering their roots, and using this understanding to heal any overwhelming power they may have over us.

A key aspect of emotional integration is connecting with the body and interpreting its signals. The body communicates challenges through constrictions in specific areas like the throat, heart, or stomach. These constrictions serve as signals to pause, connect with inner knowing and intuition, and address underlying needs or desires.

Embracing emotional integration doesn't imply making problems disappear; instead, it involves recognizing when we're reacting based on old patterns and then making the choice to take action or non-action from a place of self-awareness. This process empowers us to make conscious choices. When our emotions align with our actions, it prevents falling into unconscious living and promotes balance in various aspects of life, including decision-making, relationships, and communication. If we possess the tools and willingness to work towards greater consciousness, our actions can contribute to creating a more balanced emotional life.

“Emotion can be the enemy, if you give into your emotion, you lose yourself. You must be at one with your emotions, because the body always follows the mind.”

~ Bruce Lee

Taken directly from my Coach Training at IIN, these Tools for Emotional Integration, developed by transformation coach Cynthia James, MA, can serve as a map or support system when we are navigating challenging moments.

Each tool is specifically designed to aid us in processing our emotions and subsequently moving forward with enhanced connection and clarity.

Tool 1: I am Enough

Embracing Self-Worth

Explore any root feelings of inadequacy, doubt, or pain. Identify where they live in

your body and then practice positive affirmations using these steps:

• Think about someone or something that challenges your faith in yourself or

your abilities.

• Identify where this feeling may live in your body (sometimes indicated by a

feeling of tightness or constriction).

• Write down the feelings associated with that tightness.

• Imagine the person or thing challenging you is in a field of peace and love.

Speak to them while you show loving compassion to yourself:

• “Even though I feel this way, I am enough.”

• “Even though I feel this way, I am lovable.”

• “Even though I feel this way, I am important.”

• “Even though I feel this way, I am not alone.”

• “Even though I feel this way, I matter.”

• Repeat this until you begin to feel your body calm. Visualize the person or thing

disappearing into the field. It may take a few tries, but don’t give up.

As you practice, you’ll discover that you eventually become more connected to the affirmations than the emotions involved. The area of the body that felt constricted may also become lighter and, eventually, relax.

Tool 2: This Does Not Belong To Me

Releasing External Burdens.

Release any limiting beliefs or challenging life experiences you’re having difficulty

letting go of with this exercise:

• Think about the current challenge and identify the part of the body that feels

the tightest or most constricted.

• Describe the event and the feeling(s) or belief(s) attached to this experience.

It’s helpful to write them down.

• Ask yourself, “Who would I be without this feeling or pain? What would life look

like? How would I feel?” Say or write down the response.

• Recognize how powerful life would be without the challenge.

• Review the list of feelings you wrote down, one at a time. Identify each one by

naming it aloud. Then say, “This does not belong to me.”

• Do this for each item on the list. Remember to speak with confidence and self support.

• When you’re finished, scan your body, reflecting on how each part feels now

that the old energy is gone. Some feelings or experiences may take longer than

others; keep repeating the exercise until the constriction lifts.

Tool 3: Possibility Energy

Embracing New Energy

Once an old energy is cleared, invite a new energy of possibility to fill the space of

the unwanted energy by moving through these steps:

• Ask yourself, “How would I feel without the old pain? And how would life look if

I were happy, joyous, free, and abundant?”

• Invite the new energy of possibility to fill the space where the old energy lived.

• Create a list of these possibilities as they come up for you.

• Claim power and speak aloud if you can. Use positive possibility words, like “I

am powerful. I am strong. I am clear. I am extraordinary.” Repeat this as often as

needed, encouraging your confidence levels by lifting your voice if you have to.

• Check in and notice the difference in how your body feels and how you

perceive the challenge now.

• Use this assessment of your mind-body connection to create awareness of

which feelings elicit positive physical sensations and note that you may have to

do this exercise repeatedly to anchor the shift in your perceptions.

Whenever possible, process these tools out loud to a trusted friend or in a journal where you can later reflect on your experience and witness yourself and your transformation.

As a Lifestyle Coach, one of the most rewarding processes I get to witness is helping people see that they have the power to balance their lives, mind, and body. Tending to the four dimensions of health can have longer lasting effects on all aspects of our overall wellness, not just one area. By grounding into our bodies, tuning in to our emotions, and connecting to the present moment, we can connect to the core of our authentic being and support ourselves from a place of love and compassion.

All the love,

Pamela

Emotional Intelligence (EI)

Let's be real. Life has just as many challenging moments as it does, basic or joyful ones. No one is exempt from the struggles that present themselves on a regular basis, even me, (though if you know me, I sometimes try my hardest to pretend they don't haha). How we handle these tough situations is everything. Emotional Intelligence is key to move forward in healthy and productive ways. The subtleties of our emotions offer valuable insights. Embracing and understanding our emotions as they surface is an important piece in the journey toward our holistic well-being. Much like how lab testing can pinpoint physical health issues, there are tools and practices available to delve into the core of emotions that can hinder our optimal self. (That is another blog all in itself!!) These resources are crafted to guide us through the exploration and integration of emotions, empowering us to navigate each day with heightened awareness and intentional choices. It's a holistic approach that recognizes the interconnectedness of physical and emotional well-being on the path to overall health.

As I have gotten older, since having kids and even furthermore, in the last 3 years, my understanding and value of emotional intelligence, especially in the areas of conflict management and communication, has dramatically increased. First and foremost, being able to witness and understand our feelings without identifying with them or denying them, and then recognize how they affect our thoughts and actions is a huge step to a more balanced and self-aware way of connecting with and relating to the world around us and in turn creating the life we envision for ourselves. Being able to notice when we are on a triggered pattern of thinking, pause and choose differently, can be the first pebble thrown, that will create the ripple effect in the life we see manifest before us.

The next layer is, while we can't change the behavior of others, being able to identify the emotions behind their behavior, we can have a better understanding of where they are coming from and how to best interact with them.  Having an intricate understanding of emotional intelligence, doesn't translate to being able to easily implement the five key elements when we are in a moment of emotional overwhelm. However, when we are able to look at these moments as opportunities for growth, while the feelings we are no doubt experiencing feel crippling and not easily escaped, we can feel good about our decisions to meet ourselves where we are and make choices that bring us closer to our authentic self and allow our transformation to unfold.

“When emotional intelligence merges with spiritual intelligence, human nature is transformed.” ~ Deepak Chopra

Emotional Intelligence (EI) The ability to manage both your own emotions and understand the emotions of people around you.

There are five key elements to EI:

1. Self-awareness: The conscious recognition and understanding of one's own thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and characteristics. It involves the ability to introspect and reflect on one's actions, motivations, strengths, weaknesses, and values. Here, we can feel and name our feelings.

2. Self-regulation: Refers to the ability to manage and control one's own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in various situations. It involves the capacity to regulate impulses, resist distractions, and maintain focus on goals. Here we don't run away, accept, and know that it is ok to feel this way. We can manage using self-soothing or coping skills to embrace or defuse the feeling we have identified.

3. Motivation: In the context of emotional intelligence, refers to the ability to harness and channel one's emotions to drive and sustain positive behavior. It involves a deep understanding of one's personal values, desires, and long-term goals, and the capacity to use emotions as a source of energy and commitment. When we are driven to pursue goals for personal reasons as opposed to some kind of reward (External motivation).

4. Empathy: The ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It involves not only recognizing the emotions someone else is experiencing but also being able to comprehend the perspective from which those emotions arise. Empathy encompasses the capacity to tune into others' emotional states, show genuine concern for their well-being, and respond with sensitivity. When we can recognize and understand others' motivations.

5. Social skills: Refers to the ability to navigate and manage relationships effectively. It involves understanding social dynamics, adapting communication styles to different situations, and demonstrating interpersonal finesse. Individuals with strong social skills can build rapport, communicate persuasively, and resolve conflicts diplomatically. This aspect of emotional intelligence includes qualities such as active listening, clear communication, and the ability to pick up on social cues. When we share with loved ones what we are experiencing and check in on their feelings as well.

Now, here is where things get really interesting. Intelligence is information in the brain. Emotional intelligence doesn't automatically translate to emotional intimacy until these learned skills and behaviors are put into action! The experience of emotional intimacy is completely different than just learning about it. This is where the integration and transformation take place. Once we are more emotionally aware, we must then take the dive deeper and explore true vulnerable uninhibited emotional intimacy, which if you are anything like me, can be the scariest yet most rewarding thing you've ever experienced. We all feel different levels of comfort with the different facets of intimacy; mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual. When we have the tools and practices that keep us balanced and grounded while exploring new depths of any intimacy, the journey can be slightly smoother, but will always be tumultuous and challenging in some sense because change and transformation always feels uncomfortable. Deciding to choose growth and expansion comes with its own Kind of struggles and discomfort but comes with ever greater rewards.

• What if the next time we felt an uncomfortable emotion, we paused, took a deep breath, and said to ourselves, right now, I feel (fill in the feeling) in my body, from a place of non-judgmental witnessing, instead of identifying that we are the feeling or even worse, criticizing ourselves for feeling that way?

• What if when we felt the impulse to find an escape or distraction from a feeling that we judge as "bad", we closed our eyes, noticed where it lived in our body and wondered how old this feeling was and then asked ourselves what we need in order to feel cared for, safe and nurtured?

• What if we relaxed into the knowing that these uncomfortable moments are a necessary part of our journey of self discovery and to not delve in, would be denying ourselves a large part of the experience?

• What if when we found ourselves in an uncomfortable emotion, we relaxed with a deep exhale and said to ourselves, "I let go of what is no longer serving me and I am open to what is" and trusted that everything is working out exactly how it should be.

What you are feeling matters. You deserve to feel seen and heard, first and foremost, by yourself. I send you love on your journey exploring the uncharted waters of your soul's journey to find love, peace and connection.

All the love,

Pamela

Wants, Needs, And Desires

Most of us think we have an idea of what we want, need, and desire out of any given relationship when we enter it, but do we truly know where those perceptions came from? We hold the people we welcome into our lives to expectations, but have we gotten to the core of why we believe we need, want, or desire these particular necessities we have carried with us from relationship to relationship? How about our deepest desires of fulfillment in connection to our soul's purpose and passions? All too often what we think we desire, need, and want out of relationships can get confused with and can often be a reflection of unfulfilled areas of our life where we have unmet dependency needs from childhood and are in response to areas where we have abandoned or left ourselves untended to.

In the last few weeks, I have taken a deep dive into my "needs, wants and desires" for the relationships I surround myself with. I looked at each one under a microscope, analyzing whether they are genuine, or some overcompensation from a limiting core belief I picked up along the way. Is this a void that I'm endlessly reaching out to others to fill but can really, only be filled by looking inward and healing, or is it a true key to feeling fulfilled in my intimate and connected relationships with others? I have been shocked by the realizations! In addition, the process of feeling safe and secure enough to share, then ask for my centered needs, wants, and desires and then believing that the people who care about me want to fulfill them, has been a challenging, yet heartwarming journey in itself. Primarily, feeling seen, heard, understood, respected, and loved are at the root of the foundation for any healthy relationship and unfortunately not standards I always held for myself. In the unveiling of my most recent layers, I discovered that so many of my so called "wants and needs" were unresolved betrayals, abandonment triggers or traumas, either reaching out for help or pushing people away as a mode of protection. Even worse, I didn't even know what I desired! I realized I was just floating from one relationship to the next, going with the flow and had never given myself the respect to imagine and dream of the of relationship I truly valued and what my deepest desires were!! As someone who has participated in multiple, long term, intimate relationships, I find it incredible that I was only functioning or showing up as a mere fragment of myself!

“Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” Gratitude is a state of mind. When you realize that nothing is missing from your life,

you'll see that you have everything."

~ Lao Tzu

The quote above was the first Lao Tzu wisdom I was exposed to in my very early 20's. It is incredible that so many years later, his teachings would have such a huge presence in my life and spirituality. I understand this quote today, more than I could have imagined back then. So often we turn, not only to outside things to fill a void but also, other people. We can't receive what was missing in childhood from another person until we are actively doing all that we can to give it to ourselves. Only then, we are equipped to participate in healthy, loving, mutual, and interdependent relationships.

So does this mean that we are to expect nothing from those around us and allow people to show up as they are and accept the good, the bad and the ugly. Well, yes, and no. Allowing people to show themselves for who they are and who they want to be in our lives is a great first step. We can't control the thoughts, words, and actions of others, but we can, however, decide if who they show themselves to be, is in alignment with our highest-self and purpose and then decide if they are the right fit for us to share our time, space, and energy with. For me, this is where desires come in.

A clear understanding of our identity, values, purpose, and passion empowers us to discern our desires in relationships so we can then understand more clearly, what will add to our experience and journey along the way. Knowing ourselves —our innate beings upon entering this world—and understanding our fundamental love languages, the ways we like to show and receive love, are very important insights to the foundation our evolving self-awareness in relationships.

Being able to distinguish between a fear-based trigger or impulse, and a genuine core, need, want, or desire has been completely life changing but this knowing didn't come without its battle scars. The lotus grows in the mud.

The most important lesson that I have embodied truer than ever before, through prayer and meditation, is that our relationship with self and our higher power, whatever that may be for each individual, is the most important relationship of all. When we are in alignment and functioning from a center of self-love, care, and nourishment, we fill our own tanks in a way that we could never expect another to intuitively do for us. In addition, it gives us the wisdom to teach people how we desire to be treated in order to feel loved, supported and cared for. We can then share these truths with those close to us and allow them to choose for themselves whether or not they would like to be in our lives.

In our pursuit of satisfaction, it's not that our needs are invalid. The issue is in our approach to fulfilling them. While others may wish to bridge the gaps in our lives, true fulfillment requires an active commitment to self-nurturing. Expecting external sources to fill the voids within us, without engaging in our own healing journey, is like pouring water through a sieve.

Attempting to rely solely on others to mend our inner voids can be draining for both parties. Without actively participating in our personal healing, we risk burdening those around us with the weight of our insecurities, creating a bottomless pit that strains relationships. The transformative power of self-engagement and the importance of looking inward to achieve lasting fulfillment is essential to participating in genuine, authentic, and healthy relationships.

• What if the next time we felt unfulfilled, slighted, or abandoned by someone close to us, we paused, took a breath and asked ourselves from a centered place, what am I feeling, what does this feeling want to share with me and what part of myself is this coming from? Is it our 5-year-old self? Maybe our teenager self, acting out?

• What if, the next time we felt confused about a need, want, or desire that felt uncomfortable when it was unmet, we journaled about what the true, deeper, unmet need was? We could ask ourselves, "What am I assuming is true?" "What am I feeling?" Next, acknowledge and validate ourselves and then ask, "what do I need, want and desire?" Then validate those feelings as well. Allow your uninhibited truth to pour out onto the page and re-read it as though you were listening to your child or dearest friend.

• What if we made a promise to care for, love and nurture ourselves the way we long for others to and in moments of uncertainty, we trusted that we know what we need and how to nourish ourselves?

• Lastly, what if we trusted and believed that the people we chose to surround ourselves with, genuinely care about our wellbeing and we turned to them from a centered, mature and grounded place to share and ask for what our genuine, needs, wants and desires are in any given moment? How magical life would become!

Immature love says, "I love you because I need you," Mature love says, "I need you because I love you." ~ Erich Fromm. May we all find mature love in all of our relationships and find our way back home to wholeness by starting with ourselves.

All the love,

Pamela