Becoming Our Own Soulmate

As I worked my way through my intensive, 7-week intimacy course, one thing that was increasingly obvious is how often I have looked to my partners to care for me in a way that I should have been caring for myself. How often do we have a need, want, or desire and believe that it is the responsibility of another to fulfill our requests? How can we ask of another, something we don't even know how to deliver to ourselves? Healing our past wounds and learning to love ourselves the way we need to be loved, is the first step to allow ourselves to love and be loved by others. Until we stop abandoning the parts of ourselves that we are afraid or embarrassed to expose and look at, how can we ever be fully vulnerable and open to deep intimacy and love with another person.

When we begin to sift through all of our trauma and wounds with the intention to heal from a place of peace, love, compassion and grace, we know the road ahead will have bumps, twists and turns, but when we are actually going through it, it can feel scarier and more difficult than anything we have ever done. Believe me, I know first hand!! Deciding to choose a path different than the reactive one we have been conditioned to take, requires intention, patience, and bravery. In these moments, our autonomic nervous system has every cell in our body is screaming to choose the familiar path. Just because the path is familiar and feels safer, doesn't mean it is what's best for us and is often the road to staying stagnant. Change and growth requires pushing ourselves through these moments, making the choice that is in alignment with our deepest values and desires, no matter how uncomfortable it feels.

As we choose different, we are teaching our body that it can survive and will be ok trying this new approach to love. Every time we do this, it becomes a little easier the next. We are creating new neurological pathways in the brain and eventually, over time with repetition, this way of thinking and being will become the new normal.

"To find the Beloved, you must become the Beloved."

~ Rumi

The truth is that the connection that we are seeking from others stems from a longing for a deeper connection with our higher self or source. So, how do we become our own soulmate? Honestly, just like any love, it takes consistent work, compassion, tending to, bravery and patience.

We can start by asking ourselves these questions and patiently for the real answers, not the knee jerk, conditioned answers.

• What are my passions?

• What are my core values?

• What are my deepest desires? You know, the ones you only dear to dream about when you are in that happy place.

• What are my love languages?

• What nourishes me mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually?

• What makes me feel seen, heard, and understood?

• What boundary can I set and uphold that will allow me to feel safe enough to let my walls down?

• How can I have healthy expectations of others around self-respect?

Once we take the time to truly get to know ourselves, we can then begin to tend to our own needs and live the fulfilling lives we envision for ourselves and those that are in alignment with us will naturally be drawn to us and assist in our deeper know of ourselves.

So, the funny and ironic thing about becoming our own soulmate is that the beliefs we formed of ourselves were actually formed in our relationships with others throughout our lives. We made meaning from our interactions, intimacy and connection with others and then used these thoughts to form beliefs which then formed our personality which is how we show up in our future relationships. How we approach each scenario is now molded by this skewed perspective which then, often times, perpetuate situations, playing them out over and over again as we repeat patterns, only to validate our original negative belief further.

Once we know better and know that those negative formed beliefs are not true, we can begin to show up in new empowered ways which will, in the same fashion, be reinforced as we have experiences that validate our new truths. So, here is the irony. Learning to deeply love, understand and connect with ourselves is only the first step and theoretical. As we know, information is not transformation. To reform our love identity with ourselves, we actually need each other to mirror back to us so we can process these new beliefs through experiences that challenge and validate our new way of being! As we face old challenges and struggles with our new love identity, and choose different, this when things get fun! (I don't know if you sense my sarcasm on that one, but it was there). When we trust ourselves to make the bold choices that we know are best for us, no matter how uncomfortable it feels and we get the pleasure of having our worthiness, power, and deep truths of who we now know ourselves to be, validated. Then and only then, have we begun to rewrite our love identity story.

We are all divine love and when we know and believe in ourselves and our personal strength, we have the ability to show up in challenging moments, in ways that can deepen love rather than destroy it. When we heal ourselves, we heal the world.

All the love,

Pamela

The Importance Of Home Environment

They say home is where the heart is. Our home environment is not just our personal living space, but also the outdoor surroundings, the community we're a part of, and the individuals we engage with. Even if we aren't aware, these areas of our lives significantly impact our well-being and contentment. Connection with our home environment and being mindful of its emotional and cognitive effects can lead to a deeper understanding of how they shape other essential aspects of our lives, such as relationships, professional pursuits, and spiritual growth.

Our home environment plays a huge role in shaping our overall well-being – mental, physical, emotional and spiritual. Creating a home environment that feels safe, comfortable, and uplifting can serve as a springboard for empowerment, energizing and guiding us towards a fulfilling and joyful life.

A clean and cozy living space can actual help reduce stress by reflecting or inspiring the inner peace within. Imagine waking up to a space where you immediately feel a sense of order, efficiency, and support. Envision strolling through a neighborhood where familiar faces greet you, fostering a feeling of security and shared connection. These invigorating experiences can significantly impact our multidimensional health.

Just as nourishing our bodies with wholesome foods is vital for optimal health, creating a home environment that resonates with our inner joy is equally beneficial for our overall well-being.

“The power of finding beauty in the humblest things makes home happy

and life lovely.” ~ Louisa May Alcott

• What does your home currently look and feel like?

• Now envision your ideal home. How does it differ?

For example, try tuning in to how you want to feel physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Get as detailed as possible using images, scents, feelings, and sounds to describe your ideal home environment.

I'd love to pass along 11 ways to explore a more positive home environment straight from my IIN worksheets!

1. Create a vision board of your ideal home environment -A vision board is a great way to stay focused on a goal. Create one for your dream home environment by finding images and words that inspire the feelings you want. You can use pictures from magazines or online, or draw your own. Fill your board with images of things like gardens, a lively community, your desired city, a peaceful scene with a hammock, or words like love, peace, serenity, and bliss.

2. Detox your residence - Organizing your home boosts both physical and mental well-being. Clear clutter by donating items, creating a liberating sense of relief. This process can energize you and inspire improvements in other areas of your life. Dedicate a bit of time daily to tidying up to stay active and focused on your passions.

3. Clear the air - Improving indoor air quality reduces allergens and toxins, enhancing your space's overall energy and making breathing easier. While studies on devices like essential oil diffusers, air purifiers, and fans vary, research confirms the importance of air quality for health. If you can't open windows, consider alternatives like burning sage or letting in sunlight, both proven to improve air quality.

4. Put inspiration on your walls - If your home feels bland with plain white walls, consider adding some vibrancy! Experimenting with colors and styles that resonate with you can enhance motivation, creativity, and brainstorming. Hang abstract art or tapestries to inject personality into your space. Artwork, including family photos, can stimulate creative thinking, enhance self-esteem, and improve brain connectivity. Choose images that evoke happiness and support, as they can uplift your mood and inspire you to create more memorable moments.

5. Create a cozy sleep space - Ensuring you get enough sleep is crucial for your health. Create a comfortable sleep environment by investing in sheets and blankets that bring you warmth and security. Install shades or curtains on bedroom windows to block out light while you sleep. In the morning, make your bed for a sense of accomplishment and a welcoming sight when you return. These small adjustments can enhance your sleep quality, directly benefiting your overall health and energy levels.

6. Organize your pantry - Keeping your kitchen and pantry organized encourages cooking at home and enjoying time in the kitchen. This increases the likelihood of preparing nutritious meals compared to dining out. Use mason jars or clear containers to organize your pantry; they not only look good but also keep food fresh longer and prevent duplicate purchases.

7. Connect with nature - Spending time in natural surroundings offers numerous health benefits. Just 15 minutes in nature can lower blood pressure, reduce stress hormone levels, and enhance creativity, performance, and focus by engaging sensory-processing brain areas. To bring nature to you, maybe fill your home with houseplants, start an herb garden or simply look out your window and take in the flow of nature.

8. Get to know your neighbors - Getting to know your neighbors can be both challenging and rewarding. They may appreciate friendly gestures just as much as you do! Offer help when needed, introduce yourself when you see them, organize a neighborhood event, or simply break the ice with a smile and wave.

9. Join a club or organization - Engaging in activities with like-minded individuals in your community offers mental and emotional benefits. A recent study found that highly involved people experience greater psychosocial development in various aspects of life, including purpose, education, career, and culture. Deliberately choosing your social circle can bring joy, empowerment, and energy, leading to a sense of purpose and passion. Additionally, you might forge new friendships or acquire new skills along the way!

10. Volunteer -One of the best ways to feel a sense of ownership, pride, and belonging in your home environment is to invest in improving it. Volunteering locally can look different depending on your interests, skills, and time. Consider ways you can share your energy and unique skills to work toward creating the positive change you want to see in the world around you. If you like animals, you could volunteer at a local shelter. If you want to improve literacy, connect with the local school district and become a reading tutor.

11. Invest in local and national issues that are important to you - List the health concerns affecting you and your home environment. Consider ways to increase your involvement, like participating in marches, writing letters, contacting elected officials, or representing your community. Getting engaged can enhance your environment by introducing diverse perspectives and potentially improving it in various ways.
    

In the end, our home environment serves as a mirror of our aspirations, values, and the life we envision for ourselves. Crafting a home environment that resonates with our essence is so important for our overall well-being.

It's worth noting that just as our dietary preferences may shift over time, so too might our needs for various types of home environments as we grow and change.

I invite you to stay curious and embrace the possibility of change as you continuously discover and acknowledge your preferences and aspirations. Revel in the process of building and sustaining a nurturing home environment that enhances your health, happiness and fulfillment!

All the love,

Pamela

Anger

We all have emotions that are more uncomfortable for us to experience and for me that one has always been anger. There was so much fear attached to feeling angry. Fear that I will appear irrational, fear that I would hurt or push people away, fear that I would be viewed as unlikable, fear that I will resemble the anger I witnessed as a child and would lose respect for myself and that it would make me unlovable. Unfortunately, my avoidance and suppression created experience after experience where I felt as though I was being taken advantage of, walked over or not respected. All along, anger was screaming at me to notice it and claim my healthy boundaries to honor my needs. Instead, I was judgmental and critical of it and associated "managing" my anger with being "more spiritual" or "seeing the big picture from all angles". Yes, all of those are beautiful paths to walk but our higher self never wants us to compromise our integrity, so not tending to our needs when someone crosses a line, is never the healthy choice. How we choose to approach the situation is where the path to balance, maturity and growth can flourish.

My personal relationship with anger had been a challenging one until recently. Through my 7-week, self-discovery course, I developed a new and beautiful partnership with this emotion. Learning to listen to my body, have the compassion and patience to understand that it is trying to tell me something and then honor the wisdom it unveils.

Often, when we feel anger, it is an indication that a boundary has been crossed or there was a loss of personal safety. This is an extremely helpful and supportive emotion. Regardless of whether it's a real or perceived threat, we need to tend to this vulnerable part of ourselves. Anger can have the tendency to get a bad rep and come across as one of the more volatile emotions that needs to be suppressed, when often, it is actually revealing a sadness or softness that we are shielding or guarding. If we take the time to ask our anger, how old are you then notice where we feel it in our bodies, we can connect with the message it is sending us and begin the work of healing and moving forward. Being with our feeling instead of becoming it, will allow us to take the road of growth.

Anybody can become angry-that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way-that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.

~ Aristotle

The other side of the spectrum is when we allow anger to impulsively react and make our choices for us. When we take the time to slow down, check in with ourselves and decide what the healthiest, most balanced way to move forward is, we are using the information to support our growth and evolution. The other day, in a conversation about anger, a perspective was pointed out to me that often, we can and should allow people the grace and understanding of a mistake or a first time offense but once we have voiced our needs, wants, desires and boundaries and they are repeatedly disregarded or dismissed, that is when we can feel our dear friend bubbling up inside us, letting us know that it is time to speak up for ourselves. Unfortunately, sometimes when we have had our boundaries and safety crossed in our past, it is all too easy for a similar situation to trigger our sympathetic nervous system, get the best of us, and we punish people for the sins of others. When we react to anger with anger, it only intensifies the feeling. When we meet our anger with grace and the desire to understand where it is coming from, we can almost immediately feel the tension in our body begin to soften because we are initiating self-care and our anger feels seen and heard.

The truth is that too many people in this world are going to push our boundaries and see how far we will bend (click here to check out my boundaries blog if you have yet!). We can't blame them; it is up to us to know our core values like a dear friend and live them strong and true so that when a boundary gets crossed we can trust ourselves to restore the balance.

When we dig deep, often we resent and are angriest at ourselves because we have allowed ourselves to either be exposed to the experience or that we did not speak up in a way that honors our authentic self.

• What if the next time we felt anger creeping up within us, we held softness for ourselves and understood that we need compassion and understanding in this moment?

• What if we didn't judge, criticize, or try to rationalize the surfacing emotion and just allowed the sensation to flow through our body unimpeded and listen to what it is telling us?

• What if we asked our anger what boundary was violated or loss of personal safety did we suffer that is causing this feeling?

• What if we asked ourselves how we might have allowed this behavior or situation into our lives?

• What if we asked our anger what action is needed from us to restore safety, well-being, integrity, and balance?

• What if we used this information to commit to making choices and changes that establish firm boundaries to restore personal safety into our lives that align with our authentic truth?

• What if we then breathed into the sensations and trusted ourselves enough to know that we will now hold ourselves in a higher regard, allowed forgiveness for those involved, including ourselves and released the hold it had on us?

May we honor our anger and allow it to become our guide to security, self-trust, and self-respect.

All the Love,

Pamela