Simplify Joy

Do you want to simplify and live a fulfilling, rich life of value and authenticity? Me too!! Living a joy-based life means that in each moment, we are intentionally choosing the thoughts, beliefs, words or actions that feel the most true and authentic to our heart and higher self. What this requires of us is to slow down and allow ourselves to deeply settle into the present moment, take a pause to check in with ourselves and decide then and there to choose joy. One study on retraining everyday attention toward moments of joy, awe, curiosity, and gratitude found that mindful participants truly savored these moments, increased social connectedness by sharing them, and in turn improved mental and physical health markers.

As humans, we are social creatures and our emotional and mental wellness, which directly impacts our physical wellness, is greatly reflected by our level of social fulfillment. When we look at the Blue Zones, we see that one of the largest components was having strong ties to community, and their sense of feeling needed and of value.

What if we all, in every relationship, strived to leave people happier than when we found them? What if we all cared more about the happiness of our family, partner, tribe, or community instead of hyper fixating on our own needs and happiness? What a beautiful balance that would bring to the world if we all felt seen, heard, supported, loved, and understood by those we surround ourselves with. Imagine trusting so deeply in the care others would bring to your life that your cup was overflowing; then bringing joy, love, and support to others was your primary concern. That level of trust in the process could change how we all look at our struggles throughout our days.

"Be the one who nurtures and builds. Be the one who has an understanding and a forgiving heart one who looks for the best in people. Leave people

better than you found them."

~ Marvin J. Ashton

Recently in one of my Community Connection conversation gatherings, Nichea Spillane, Ph.D Associate Professor, Licensed Clinical Psychologist, shared a few quick and easy tips she uses in her practice, that can help us shift to a positive mindset.

• Savoring - This involves being deeply connected to the moment. Take a walk and enjoy the spring flowers, the smell of the crisp air. Using all your senses to connect you to an experience. Leave space for awe, curiosity, and wonder. Even thinking of a positive memory of time spent with the people you value. It could also include doing something kind for yourself, guilt free.

• 3 Good Things (Gratitude) - Take a moment to acknowledge 3 good things that you are grateful for or make you feel like you were showing up in life as your best self. When we take the time to bring attention to the things in our lives that are going well or bring us joy, our brains will be more likely to tune to that train of thought and we tend to look for more throughout the day.

• Thank You Letter - Write a meaningful, genuine, heartfelt thank you letter to someone who means a lot to you, and you maybe haven't told them enough, or shared the intimate details of why you appreciate them.

• Random Acts of Kindness - Do 5 small acts of kindness to randomly improve life for someone or multiple people. This does not have to involve money and sometimes the small things are the most powerful. Research showed that doing 5 random acts of kindness all in 1 day as opposed to spreading it out over the course of a week had far more of an impact on not only the level of joy a person felt but also how long they sustained that state of bliss they felt for being of service for another being.

When we allow joy to be our north star, it doesn't take away all the struggles and challenges that we come across in our daily lives, it just allows us the grace to weather the storm because we have filled our love tank and our beliefs know that another moment of joy is waiting right around the corner for us. Remember, a belief is nothing more than a thought we think repeatedly. Imagine the impact of choosing joy over defeat or self-loathing. That choice is always waiting for us in the stillness of the present moment.

When we get to the point that we truly believe deep in our hearts that life is always working out for us, even when it seems challenging or upside down, the faith that we are held and supported by life, is immeasurable. It then also frees up our self-obsession and allows us the true joy of being there for another. It is in our nature to need support and be supportive of others. Let's free ourselves of the burden of struggle and all choose joy so that we can elevate ourselves and all of those around us.

All the love,

Pamela

The 5 Love Languages

How do we know if we are loving the people, we hold dear to us, well? The simple answer ~ Ask them! And not just once. Ask them regularly. Yearly, monthly, and even weekly. Do I make you feel seen, heard, and understood? Are you fulfilled? Is there anything I could be doing more or less of to be a better friend/lover/partner/parent? Chances are, we could all be doing a better job with most of the people in our lives. It is easy to fall into our routines, patterns, and subconscious programming of how we move through our days and weeks and show up for the people in our lives. We tend to often we see things through our own perspective or lens of what being loved looks like. Learning what, in particular, makes each individual feel safe, secure and attended to is not a one and done conversation. It takes consistent attention, intention, and action.

Reading The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman completely changed how I look at and engage in all the relationships I surround myself with, not just romantically but my children, friends, family, co-workers and even my community. There are versions of this book for singles, couples, children and teens. When we take the time to notice how someone shows up for us and how they are asking to feel seen and heard, we can learn to love them the way they actually want to or value receiving love and be more in tune with how they express their love towards us.

Sometimes, we are unconsciously neglecting the people we love and don't even realize it. I could be showing you love in 4 of the 5 languages but if I am not consistently expressing my love in the primary way you need to receive and believe my love is genuine, all of those 4 can feel a bit less meaningful, hollow or even ingenuine. However, if you are receiving love in the way that fills your tank most, the others are always nice icing on the cake and feel good because your cup is full and are already in the state of safety, trust, and security in feeling loved. That is why all too often, relationships can build tension when one partner feels like they need more and the other feels like they are doing everything they can. The miscommunication can be that simple because you are speaking different languages. The good news is that even if a love language doesn't come naturally to you, they are all fairly easy to put into practice with a little bit of effort and care. Obviously when you do find people with the same love language, it can feel a bit more effortless, almost like just being yourself is exactly what the other person needs to feel cared for, but it doesn't always work out that easily.

“Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving. That kind of love requires effort and discipline. It is the choice to expend energy in an effort to benefit the other person, knowing that if his or her life is enriched by your effort, you too will find a sense of satisfaction—the satisfaction of having genuinely loved another. It does not require the euphoria of the in-love experience. In fact, true love cannot begin until

the in-love experience has run its course.”

~Gary Chapman

This is a fun and easy Love Language Quiz you can take to get a better understanding of what each of these actually mean and learn a bit more about yourself along the way!

1. Words of affirmation

Positive words and phrases that communicate love, appreciation, and respect

2. Quality time

Spending time with your partner and giving them your undivided attention

3. Physical touch

Showing love through hugging, cuddling, being intimate, or simply putting a caring hand on someone's shoulder

4. Acts of service

Doing something for your partner that you know they would like, such as filling up their gas, watering their plants, or cooking them a meal

5. Receiving gifts

Giving someone a specific thing that makes them feel special

One of the important things to keep in mind is that sometimes the way we like to receive love is not necessarily the same as how we like to show our love so we can assume others may vary as well. With that being said, the old saying of "treat people the way you would like to be treated" doesn't really apply in this situation and you also can't observe how someone shows others love and assume they like to receive it in the same way.

For me, Quality Time and Physical Touch are a close tie for the top of the list with Receiving gifts at the bottom. That is why snuggles, vacations and even quick little getaways always fill my heart and soul in a way that I can't put into words. However, I really enjoy showing my love with words of affirmation as well but can actually find it a bit difficult to receive that way.

The best way to really know how someone you care about wants to be treated is to simply ask. Initiate the vulnerable conversation. They may not necessarily know right away so it may be fun to take the quiz with them or ask some probing questions. In the end, isn't that what intimacy and connection are about? Those simple moments. Taking the time and putting in the attention to have the meaningful conversations to better understand the people we choose to share our lives with.

I'd love for you to share your love languages with me! Let me know and spread love in the way you know best. They all matter!

All the love,

Pamela

Letting Go

One of the hardest truths in life is that we don't have control over anything, and things almost never work out how we think. Allowing ourselves to find the comfort in discomfort is one of the greatest tools we can teach ourselves, though I believe is a lifetime practice and is never perfected. Letting go, releasing the efforting and surrendering to the unseen is where we find our solid footing. The only consistency we can count on is change itself. So how do we stay in the eye of the storm? How do we keep our feet on the ground amidst the tornado of our emotions? The truth is that there is no one answer but it often starts with silence and stillness. Coming home to self.

When we connect to the truth that nothing in this world is ours and is simply borrowed from someone who once possessed it before us and will be treasured by someone after us, there is something that makes it a bit sweeter and more precious. What if, in the present moment, we did recognize that everything is temporary. Would we view it a little differently? We so easily take this beautiful world we are blessed to experience, for granted.

The practice of non-attachment and letting go can allow us to walk in a more present state of gratitude and appreciation for what we do have in our lives in this very moment. You know that saying, you don't know what you have until it's gone. We have all experienced that to some degree. Now, what if we DID appreciate all that we have and fully allowed ourselves to cherish each and every moment with the things we hold dear to us? Part of the suffering we experience in having to let something or someone go, is possible the truth that we feel a bit guilty because we didn't appreciate it, love it, cherish it or care for it in the way our soul wanted to, and we then wish we had more time to do it right. Or we are attached to the way having it our lives, makes us feel.

“Living in the moment means letting go of the past and not waiting for the future. It means living your life consciously,

aware that each moment you breathe is a gift.”

~ Oprah Winfrey

There is so much information out there about how we can do more and be more, but what about doing less and relaxing deeply into what is, just as it is. That space between the inhale and exhale. Maybe we can start celebrating that moment.

• What if we started looking at all the things, opportunities and people in this new light of, what if this was my last moment to treasure it?

• What if we hold the perspective of decreasing the clutter in our lives instead of attaining?

• What if we participated in the practice of freeing ourselves from our attachment to things. Be it, material, ideas, expectations, outdated perspectives or even people?

• What if we were so saturated in the present moment that there wasn't any room for the fear of loss because our mind was filled with the love and joy of cherishing it for all that it is and is not?

• What if we let go of trying to be clever or brilliant and just allowed ourselves to be ordinary, even for just a day.

Do you care to join me in a practice letting go and surrendering? What if we put 5 items that we believe we own and possess into circulation for others to enjoy. Then find one item that we are particularly attached to and release that as well. Notice the joy that you feel, and the ease that comes from realizing everything we possess is only temporary. Notice the discomfort we feel from our attachment. Be curious about where that is coming from. We were always just borrowing it. Then notice the joy we can feel knowing that someone else will get to enjoy what we once loved dearly.

Suffering is nothing more than wishing things were different than they are. remaining in the present moment with a heart of love and gratitude is the remedy.

Often, when we are faced with letting something go, as scary or difficult as it is, the unseen story being told is that it's to make room for something better and more in alignment with who we are becoming. Allow the process of transition, often our suffering comes more from our own imposed resistance to the change rather than the actual change itself. Remember, everything is happening for you, not to you.

All the love,

Pamela