Chemistry, Connection, Compatibility

What does it take to build strong, intimate and meaningful relationships? For starters, trust, healthy communication, honesty and genuine care for the other's wellbeing.

When we first meet someone, there is no telling where the relationship will go. Being a dreamer, it is easy for me to want everyone I have a meaningful conversation with to grow into a long lasting bond. Often that is not the case. I have learned to notice and appreciate all forms, layers and depth of chemistry, connection and compatibility for exactly what they are with no further expectations or attachments. Yes, I know, easier said than done. It is an ongoing practice. What I have found is that once I allow the meaning of each one of the "C's" to be what they are, it has helped me be more in the present moment to enjoy each experience for what it is.

• Let's start with Chemistry. This is when there is instant complex emotional or psychological interaction between two people. As an extravert, it is often quite easy for me to have chemistry with people casually and have random deep conversations even just waiting in line to order my coffee. I love meaningful conversations that dive below the surface. I never take this kind of chemistry for granted yet now understand that "pocket size" chemistry (like a passing conversation with someone in line at the grocery store) can also be fulfilling when you fully immerse yourself in the conversation and experience and then are able to walk away with no attachment.

• Next is Connection. When a person feels valued, seen and heard and there is a sense of closeness and belongingness in an experience. This is much less common and often we confuse chemistry for connection and can get ourselves into a pit of unrealistic expectations as to the level of depth a relationship has to offer. Connection is that feeling you get when you feel as though you have known this person in many past lives, or have a feeling that you have met before. Sometimes a person can even look familiar and yet you know you have never seen them before. These kinds of connections often come with chemistry as well and have the potential to develop into long lasting relationships.

• Finally is Compatibility. When you share the same mindset lifestyle ideals and values. This is more of an intellectual or logical step of forming meaningful relationships. The others have more to do with instinct or feelings. This is where we pause and ask ourselves. Does this make sense to move forward with this relationship? Often, this is where we want to ignore red flags and push forward because of our chemistry or connection we felt. This is where communication is key!

• I also want to add that another layer is Attraction. The sense of closeness, interest, or desire you feel toward someone. This doesn't only mean physical like in a romantic relationship. Sometimes we are attracted to the way a person, looks, their achievements, their materialistic belongings. It's worth taking a moment to ask ourselves, "Does this relationship support me, my values and my life's intentions or does it just look good on paper?' Attraction is not a bad trait, especially in romantic relationships, but it is worth asking ourselves if we like the idea of this person or what we think they can do for us or is there something deeper here?

Navigating relationships socially, romantically and even professionally is arguably one of the most complex and complicated experiences of our life and yet essential to our wellbeing! I heard this beautiful analogy about the difference between love and like, using a flower. When we see a beautiful flower blooming or when you "like" someone, we pluck the flower, smell it, appreciate it for the joy it brings to us. We place it on a counter to enjoy and once it withers, we discard of it and possibly find another flower to pick and admire in its place. When we "love" someone, we admire the flower as it it. We water, nurture and care for it just as it is while we help facilitate an environment where the flower can thrive and live out its glory as it was meant to, while we treasure not only the beauty and fragrance it gifts us with but enjoy the process of caring for it in it's unique way.

Bringing love to a relationship is more about knowing ourselves, living in our authenticity while we share space, and admire those in our lives. When we give permission for others to show up as they are, the depth of intimacy has the potential to bloom into something more fragrant than either of you could have imagined. Our job is to show up, stay present and enjoy the journey as nature takes its course.

People and relationships have so much potential to enrich our lives and help us grow. Do you care to join me in a practice of bringing attention and intention to caring for and nurturing the relationships in our lives and bask in their beauty rather than focusing on what we can get from the people we have chosen to include in our life story?

All the love,

Pamela

Community and Our Wellbeing

If you look at the healthiest communities in the world, like in the Blue Zones for example, (a WHOLE other topic for another day!!) Community and connection always play an intricate role in the wellbeing of the people.

Humans are designed to give and crave love, support, and a sense of belonging. I did not grow up in a very community-oriented city so moving to Warren was absolutely life changing! When I first moved to town, I used to take my dog walking in the downtown area, and would always find myself in such great conversations, which is how I met most of the people I now know in the community to this day. I still make this a weekly part of my routine and it never fails to brighten my day.

In my daily meditation, I always ask my higher-self, how can I be of service, how can I better my life and the life of the people around me today. Sometimes, I get inspired action ideas that have me running in a certain direction before I even have time to think about what or why I am doing it and yet recently, the message I keep receiving is simply, Connect and Communicate. Do the work, heal and just show up. Unity is important now more than ever and so many of us are longing for that experience.

When we take the time to connect with our natural gifts and passions and then find a way to use them to be of service to our community, we in turn develop a deeper, more meaningful and purposeful life for ourselves.

I am reminded of the "parable of the long spoons". It depicts two versions of a banquet, one in heaven (Bliss & Joy) and one in hell (suffering). In the banquet of "hell" or state of suffering, guests are only trying to feed themselves and can't because the spoons are too long so find themselves perishing. In the room of "heaven", Bliss & Joy, the guests have all learned that the secret is to feed each other, therefore they are thriving! I like to use this as a constant reminder that whenever I feel lost, stressed, spread too thin or in a negative emotional state, finding a way to serve and care for others ALWAYS resets my state of being and then universally, it is inevitable that someone, some way, comes around to care for and to be of service to me. I feel that is a far more rewarding experience than focusing on what I need in the present moment.

In reference to the tree analogy in my last blog about trust, I am so grateful for all of my deep meaningful "root" relationships that ground me but my "leaf" people that come and go are so very meaningful to me as well and add such richness to my sense of belonging and being a part of something bigger than my own small circle of existence.

This very feeling inspired me to launch a bi-weekly, discussion group every other Tuesday at 6pm called Change Your Thoughts. You can click the link to learn more. I am also excited to collaborate with Justine Ring, founder of Healer's Harvest, to form a monthly community connection and discussion group one Sunday a month at 4pm, called Warren Community Connection. You can find all of the information on that link. I feel this kind of connection and healthy communication is really important and a great way to learn, expand and spread the ripple effect. You can RSVP to these events or you can just show up unannounced. These are non commital and designed to be supportive and nurturing. I look forward to seeing you there!

We often tell the people who are the closest to us how much they mean to us. Would you care to join me in an exercise of telling our community "leaf" people how much we value or appreciate them and how they enrich our lives?

All the love,

Pamela

Stages And Qualities Of Trust

When we think of the word trust, most of us have a few people that immediately pop into our head because we either value how deeply we trust them or we recall an experience where we were deeply hurt, betrayed, or our trust was taken for granted. I know I do! Often the reason we feel hurt or betrayed by someone is because we have awarded them a level of trust they have not yet earned. Or because they are trustworthy in some of the qualities, we believe them to be trustworthy across the board, and our unrealistic projection of who they are makes us feel hurt when they don't live up to our expectations. The level of trust we show someone should directly reflect our experience with each individual. One lesson that I wish I had learned at a younger age (better now than never!!) is that you can learn more about a person's behaviors than their promises. We also have the tendency to associate trust with likability.

I love the quote from Maya Angelou "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

Jay Shetty describes the 4 qualities of trust:

Competence. When someone is competent it allows us to trust their opinions and recommendations.

Care. When we are putting our emotions into someone’s hands, we need to know they care and that they have your best interests in mind.

Character. We look to those with a strong moral compass and uncompromising values to trust. They help us when we feel uncertain or need wisdom and guidance.

Consistency – There are certain people you can count on who are reliable, present, and available when you need them. These people will stick with you through the highs and lows.

He also highlights 4 levels or stages of trust:

Neutral trust: When you first meet someone and hold a general sense of trust that they are able to offer a base level of trust.

Contractual trust: At this level, you trust that if you help them, they will most likely help you in some way. It also refers to the unspoken understanding that if you offer a favor or pay for dinner, you will be paid back or be offered an equal form of compensation within a timely manner. It can also mean that if you set an appointment or make a plan, you trust that they will follow through on the engagement. Someone may be able to show consistency and predictability but that doesn't mean they have earned the deeper more intimate level of trust. Jumping ahead at this level is common.

Mutual trust: This stage is derived from the mode of goodness, positivity and peace. this is the level that most good friendships and relationships fall into. It allows for a deeper more fluid level of trust that rather than a more rigid agreement both parties agree to ahead of time, like in Contractual trust, this is more fluid in the sense of knowing that if I pour into you, I trust and believe that you will pour into me and we deeply care about the other's well being.

Pure trust: This is the highest level of trust and pure goodness. You know, without a doubt, that no matter what happens, this person has your back and vise versa. These people are there for you through the good and the bad.

I recently heard the analogy of a tree. We have our root people, the pure and mutual trust people. The relationships help keep us grounded in solid earth, nourish us and grow deeper with time. Next are the branch people who are there when you are looking to be adventurous and playfully, swing from limb to limb. They can be pretty solid like the contractual trust knowing they are there and you can count on them but if you step too far out on the limb it will break and they will not be there to catch you. Then you have your leaf people. These are the people who float in and out of your life, they are trustworthy in the sense that they will respect you and you can count on basic human consideration and kindness but they come and go easily and float away when the conditions or seasons change.

In a poem by Brian A. "Drew" Chalker he said:

"People come into our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime."

These people all have a meaningful place and contribute to the richness and diversity of our lives but knowing that place in your life will help you navigate and enjoy each relationship more fully for what it actually is. In the same way, we can begin to look at ourselves and be honest with what WE have to offer those people as well. Knowing our strengths while understand and having compassion for our shortcomings can help us be more empathetic as well as show up in these relationships more authentically, rather than trying to be or offer something we are not. Know that the role we play in people's lives may not always match the role they play in ours.

No one person can fulfill all roles in our lives so getting to know what we value in each relationship we have is key! In my life, I tend to always give people the benefit of the doubt and I truly do believe that there is goodness in everyone and choose to see that good in all people. The struggle I have been faced with is that when we carry this perspective of seeing the goodness and potential in everyone, we can sometimes expect more from people than they have available to offer us.

How this new understanding of trust has helped me look at the relationships that I allow into my life is having the openness to love and see everyone for the beauty they hold and are, while taking my time to allow a relationship to unfold naturally and in addition, allowing those that prove to not fulfill trust, to naturally fall away with no judgement. In addition, not expecting all relationships to develop into pure trust and knowing the people I do trust can't and usually aren't capable of being trustworthy in ALL four qualities. I have begun to get better at seeing and meeting people where they are and choosing to offer trust as the relationship opens and allows space for it.

Learning when, where and how deep we can open ourselves up to trusting someone, creates a deeper and stronger connection with those we HAVE had the pleasure of walking the journey of trust with. That in turn, then creates a deeper, more intimate and meaningful relationship. Allowing the connection to evolve and richen over time. All the while, we have the pleasure of continuing to send and receive love in its truest form.

May we open our hearts to love, always and allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to take self-aware steps towards knowing each relationship's value while we watching them deepen in their time.

All the love,

Pamela