Shadow parts of self

Recently I've been doing some profound work with my life coach, using Internal Family Systems (IFS) "parts work" by Richard Schwartz along with EMDR. Most of us have different aspects within ourselves, but this doesn't mean we have multiple identities; it simply means we are human. By engaging with these inner parts, we can uncover the most beautiful and often hidden or suppressed elements of our true selves. When these parts are acknowledged and embraced, we gain a newfound ability to shine, connect, and relate more deeply with ourselves, others, and the world around us. This work has been shaking me, how I view myself and the world around me, to the core and turned my perception of my life on its head! Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Well, let's say the journey hasn't been easy but the gold that is alchemized is invaluable.

Parts work is a form of therapy that focuses on resolving the differences and conflicts between various inner parts, often responsible for creating emotional gridlock and hindering our healing or growth process.

It is about giving a voice to all the parts of oneself and allowing them to be seen heard and understood from a place of love, curiosity and understanding. Nurturing and reassuring them that that they are all here to serve some perceived purpose. For instance, I have always known that I possessed people pleaser traits and yet, as I dive deeper into this work, I'm see just how deep this rabbit hole goes. As I peeled back the layers, thoughts that would come up were "if I don't put other people's needs and feelings before mine, that makes me unkind or even selfish." Then the story line continues... "If I'm unkind or selfish does that mean everything I have stood for and valued all of these years was a facade? The answer is no, however, the motive behind putting other people's' needs before mine did originate as a coping mechanism sometime back in early childhood. I have also identified as empathetic, which I also learned was a trauma response!

In this work, over the last 10 years, I have gotten to know the consistent parts of myself that would show up every time we would do our IFS work. As I closed my eyes during my last session and welcomed all parts of myself to come to the long, wooden farm table in the middle of a grassy field, like I would always envision, there were the usual four that always showed up. There was my child self, teenage/twenty something self, hopeless romantic/optimist who sees all things through the lens of love and light and the, all business, type A, we have to protect ourselves at all costs, analytical personality. This time, as I began doing my work, my coach realized that I would speak as my highest self and then there was also a new voice at the table. We began to zoom out and allow her to come into vision. As we uncovered the motives of this new self, its main objective was to create calm, peace and ease in my life. That sounds beautiful but the only problem with this, is when parts of ourselves are formed out of protection, they will be willing to compromise and deny other parts of our authentic self to achieve its objective. This is when I was reminded that our authentic self has no motives. Our authentic self shines when we are in a state of creativity, passion, flow, and surrender. I instantly got chills when I realized and said out loud, "what is this version of me willing to sacrifice of my true authentic nature just to uphold the ease, peace and calm with the people and situations in my life?"

At that moment, I realized just how strong of a grip my empathetic, people pleaser was in me. I had worked so many years to move beyond that in so many aspects of my life and yet now, here I am, at 43, so ready to create that persona all over again! Here I am faced with the opportunity to once again, walk through the discomfort of vulnerability as I challenge who I believe myself to be based on the interactions with those around me. After everything I have learned these last three years, after all the growth I've experienced in the last 20 years, this people pleaser is still right there, ready to play it's roll - ready to ease my discomfort.

I find asking for what I need and speaking up about how I feel one of the scariest sensations I still feel in my body to this day. What I am learning about myself, as I have grown, is that I have become so connected to my inner knowing and higher power that even when every cell is screaming out of fear, I have coached myself into such strong self-love that it's impossible for me, no matter how uncomfortable, to not speak my truth now. Every time I do, I feel myself ground and expand into my authentic being just a little deeper.

One of the battles I'm noticing in this shifting work is that as I allow layers and veils of myself to gently fall to the floor, I am noticing fear surface and a bit of resistance. as I hear this scared voice say, "If this is not how I or others perceive me, then who am I?" This kind of work can change our whole perspective of who we see ourselves as, in this lifetime. This is where the divine essence come into play. I will speak more to this in my next blog.

“You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.”

~ Eckhart Tolle

Another perfect example of this is often found beneath empathy. As beautiful of a quality as it is, it can often develop as a trauma response from uncertain or challenging childhood experiences, often as a survival mechanism. In an unpredictable environment—where a child might experience emotional neglect, inconsistent care, or even abuse—they may become highly attuned to the emotions and needs of others as a way to protect themselves. This heightened sensitivity allows the child to anticipate and respond to the moods or behaviors of those around them, especially caregivers, to avoid conflict or harm.

For example, if a child grows up in a household where a parent’s mood swings unpredictably, the child may learn to be hyper-aware of subtle emotional cues. This sensitivity, while a necessary coping strategy during childhood, can lead to an increased capacity for empathy later in life. The child, now an adult, might be exceptionally skilled at reading others’ emotions and needs, often prioritizing them over their own. This tends to be a lovely trait to see in others and they often become great listeners, caretakers, healers, and coaches.

However, this trauma-driven empathy can come with challenges, such as difficulty setting boundaries, a tendency to overextend oneself emotionally, or feeling responsible for others' emotions. While empathy is a valuable trait, when it develops as a trauma response, it may lead to a pattern of self-neglect or codependency. Understanding this origin allows us to balance empathy with self-care and healthier relational dynamics.

When we learn to hold space for and love all parts of ourselves, especially the ones we once deemed undesirable, without judgement and criticism, we are able to become our own support system as opposed to seeking comfort from outside of ourselves. When we realize and thank each of these parts for getting us where we are today, we can from a more neutral, authentic place, decide what traits now serve us as an adult and what ones we are ready to release and let go of. From this place of self-love and acceptance, we can genuinely see ourselves as the divine essence we came into these bodies as. Then, when we choose to welcome people into our lives, it can be as source of joy, abundance, and passion, not to fill a void and hold healthy boundaries around all that does not serve us.

May you know, see, and love all the beautiful parts of you. Everything is unfolding perfectly, exactly how it should be.

All the love,

Pamela

Feel all your feelings ~ Fully

I believe that time away from our day-to-day life is such an important part of growth and transformation. It provides a chance to reset and rediscover ourselves, letting go of the roles and expectations imposed by our lives and those around us. It creates space for our true selves to emerge, to be remembered, seen, and empowered. This weekend, during my two-day retreat in the rainforest of Florida, I had epiphanies and realizations that had been building in me for months. My gut has been trying to lead me with intuitions, my heart was screaming at me, and my throat was feeling tight and restricted. I assumed these feelings were signs that I needed to heal something that was broken in me. That there was "work" to be done so that I can feel peace. My mind was overthinking and trying to put clues together that would match this imaginative story of what I wanted to be true. When our mind and body disagree, that is often a sign that what we really need is to slow down, quiet the noise, listen our bodies and trust ourselves.

We are all born with an internal guidance system. When something feels like a yes in your mind, body, and soul, that is your green light to move forward. However, when there is dissonance between our energetic selves, that is usually a sign that we need to gain clarity and see where we are misaligned. All our sensations, feelings and emotions are here to help guide us and navigate us through our lives. They enable us to live our most authentic and fulfilled lives so our deepest desires can unfold before our eyes. In the past, I often got confused by not trusting or misinterpreting these signs, or I would try to suppress the uncomfortable experiences. I would take it as a sign that I had to get in there and start healing what was wrong or broken with me so that I wouldn't feel this way again. I would feel embarrassed, guilty or feel shame for "feeling" a certain way or judge myself for not being able to "handle" or "get over" the discomfort of the moment. I naively believed that if I wasn't feeling happiness, gratitude, fulfillment, or any other high vibration emotion, that I was "off" or doing something wrong and needed to fix it.

It has always been so easy for me to hold space and witness others in their moments of discomfort and dis-ease and know deeply that they are perfect just as they are, and nothing is broken or needs to be fixed. It has always been so easy for me to see, when witnessing others go through a challenging phase, that this is only a moment in time that will fertilize and plant the seeds for the next growth moment. I can easily honor and cherish their journey. So why has it always been so hard for me to turn the mirror on myself and offer myself that same grace, love and support as well as know that I deserve that same grace from others?

“I am not my thoughts, emotions, sense perceptions, and experiences. I am not the content of my life. I am Life. I am the space in which all things happen. I am consciousness. I am the Now. I Am.”

~ Eckhart Tolle

This last weekend has changed everything for me. A deep truth and knowing that has been only theory until now, has been illuminated. Feeling all the feelings, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to be honest with ourselves and others, knowing that self-love and freedom are on the other side. Having people in our lives who can hold safe sacred space so we can be our raw selves without judgement, is such a necessity for our emotional wellbeing.

• What if we began to look at things differently?

• What if we allowed all the feelings and sensations in our body to just be neutral information? I'm thinking of it in the same way as when we feel hunger pangs, we say to ourselves, or out loud to another, "I'm hungry" and then we seek out food. What if when we felt sensations in our bodies or feelings in our emotional body, we simply spoke of them as what they are, without labeling them "good" or 'bad" and not allowing it to define who we are but know it is what we are experiencing in this moment? From that neutral place, we can lovingly seek out nourishment. When we are hungry, we don't tell ourselves that we are annoying or needy for wanting food, so why when we need love or attention, or feel sad or angry, does that cause us to judge or criticize ourselves or allow others to?

• What if when we felt an emotion or feeling, we simply stayed in the present moment, closed our eyes, and deeply connected to the sensations, and leaned in, no matter how uncomfortable it is?

• What if we knew, in those moments, that they were just sensations that are temporary and do not define who we are?

• What if we knew every sensation was our higher selves or source, sending us information and we started to listen with a curious, non-judgmental mind as we asked ourselves, what do I need to feel nourished in this moment?

• What if we cared for ourselves the way we would care for our most treasured relationship and allowed the vulnerability to surrender to others caring for us in that way as well?

How liberating would this feel?! I feel my nervous system settling down already knowing that more often than not, there is no battle to be fought, there is no danger to run from, there is only the deep, rich experience of the present moment, and if we spend it wishing things were different than they are, that my friends, is the definition of suffering. So let's love ourselves and stop causing ourselves so much suffering and just be ok with ourselves, as we are, with all of the complexities that we have in our beautiful bodies that allow us to explore, expand, and experience this magical world around us!

This last weekend was incredibly expansive and transformational. At 43, I have finally learned to trust and accept all of the feelings and emotions that we all experience. At some age, we all began to categorize our feelings and emotions as good or bad, those we want to feel more of and those that we never want to feel again. The irony is that the more we try to ignore and resist what we feel, the more power it has over us. When we lean in and surrender, it's surprising how quickly the moment will pass. Our resistance to the feelings is often where most of our suffering stems from, not the feeling itself.

When talking to a friend, I shared my incredible experience of being the only guests at the entire retreat center this weekend. I recounted dancing in the rain with my best and oldest friend, feeling liberated and childlike. Instead of being disappointed by the downpour, we embraced the moment and all the sensations it had to offer. In response to my story, they said, "There is nothing wrong with romanticizing your life." I loved that so much because we, at every moment, have the opportunity to see the beauty and romance in the journey, or find the struggle. The magic is always in us and all around us. We just have to allow each moment to be what it is and not be too timid or squeamish about getting a little dirty or wet. The sun always comes back out.

All the love,

Pamela

PS: Save the Date: March 27-30, 2025!

EMERGE: An Intentional Vacation Experience

Danielle, Justine and I are thrilled to announce that we have officially booked the stunning Chozen Retreat in Florida's lush rainforest for our next all-inclusive destination retreat. Join us for an unforgettable experience where you can release your expectations and allow your true self to surface with love and grace.

Stay tuned for more information in the upcoming emails. We can't wait to share this transformative journey with you!

Allowing

As the creators we innately are, we are often under the perception that we need to be doing and taking action in order for our lives to become what we envision. Trying to control and guide people, situations, and scenarios to reflect the image in our minds, of how we believe things should play out. The hard truth is that none of us have any real control outside of our personal, internal state of being. I have received most of my inspiration for this way of being from Lao Tzu's Tao Te Ching. We can also see this lesson by watching the way of water, which always seeks the path of least resistance and yet is the most powerful force on earth.

Surrendering to the flow takes an incredible amount of trust. The kind of trust that usually takes a fair amount of repetition and practice. I'm in no way suggesting that we all just sit around, meditate about what we want and pray that all the castles in the sky we imagine, simply fall into our laps haha. I am, however, suggesting that we put more stock into the unseen universal, divine fabric and practice less forcing.

Recently, I learned the 80/20 rule of manifestation, which states that we should be putting 80% of our "work" or "effort" into our internal world with intention, meditation, growth, expansion and coming into alignment with our highest most authentic selves to find wholeness, peace, fulfillment and love in life. Then, from that place, when we feel inspired with bursts of motivation, we take brave action to put the 20% of external, material effort into motion. Most of us tend to have this ratio backwards. This practice asks us to connect with the yin energy as opposed to yang.

"If you let go a little you will have a little peace; if you let go a lot you will have a lot of peace; if you let go completely you will have complete peace."

~ Ajahn Chah

We can trust and believe that we will always receive what we are in alignment with and when love is your north star - when discomfort of staying the same becomes more unbearable than the fear of change - when you allow yourself to flow with the guidance and intelligence of the universe - the real magic happens. This is where true peace becomes available to us. This is when we become deeply aware of the truth that none of us have any real control over anything anyways and our false perception that we do only causes distress to our nervous system when things don't go "our way."

Relax into what is. Dance in the glory of the unseen that is all on its way - everything is exactly as it should be. You are exactly where you are supposed to be, to learn and grow from exactly what is meant for you. Trust the divine process. There is no work to be done. The only job we ever have is getting in alignment with our highest most authentic self. When we create the deep connection, love, trust and security with ourselves, we have access to a peace and contentment that could only ever come from within.

Choosing to stay in the present moment, relax and not allow the stories of the past or the dreams of the future distract us, we can more easily notice the breadcrumbs of synchronicities and coincidences that are being left to guide us.

One of my favorite Rumi quotes is "As you start to walk on the way, the way appears." It implies that when we are practicing this way of being, we can't always see the paved path ahead and will only see the next right step as each becomes available to us. When we over plan or strategize how we wish things to unfold, we may over commit ourselves to a path that could distract or delay us from the journey that hasn't yet presented itself. So, for now, let's relax, take a deep breath and see what it feels like to simply allow.

• What if we practiced allowing and surrender fully and completely for just one day, or if you are feeling adventurous, one week?

• What if every conversation, action, or situation that presented itself in our lives, was answered with a "yes, and then"?

• What if, just for a day or a week, we stopped trying to make our minds up about something?

• What if, just for a day or a week, we stopped making decisions of "this or that" and just allowed everything to unfold without intervention?

• What if, for a day or a week, we fully spoke our truth and allowed our truth to be our guiding light, and watched how the world reacts?

Remember, no one needs to understand your unique process or journey. It doesn't need to "make sense". Our work is to surrender, and release resistance to what our thoughts and desires have already begun attracting towards us. When we believe and trust in this process, situations presented, no matter how positive or negative we perceive it to be, can be approached with curiosity and trust, knowing that the experience is being gifted to us for growth and expansion needed so we are ready to receive the manifested version of our deepest desires.

I invite you to relax into the flow and let life take you on a journey. We will be in awe of what unfolds before us. It will never look the way we expect but it is always perfect exactly as it is.

All the love,

Pamela